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Bear Grylls: How to survive Fresher’s Year

Renowned adventurer, survival expert and eater of nasty things Bear Grylls abseils into Sheffield Arena this month with his interactive expedition show Endeavour. As a master of endurance and dealing with tricky situations, here’s what Bear (probably) advises when it comes to surviving your first year of uni…

Getting a good night’s sleep
“For a really satisfying night’s kip, head out to the Peak District, find a nice field and sleep freely under the stars. If you can find a dead sheep carcass to climb inside then you’re laughing. Feeling thirsty? You can always do a wee and drink it.”

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Food budgeting
“Avoid the larger, more expensive supermarket chains by shopping local. If you’re really skint, head to Devonshire Green and spend some time digging up various worms and grubs to chuck in a stir fry. Sorted. Don’t waste money on soft drinks or juices when you can drink water – or your own urine.”

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Making the most of your time here
“Almost two-thirds of Sheffield is green space, so make sure you spend plenty of time exploring the various parks and woodlands while doing cool flips, swinging from trees and eating dung. Don’t forget to reward yourself after a busy day of adventure with a nice, cold glass of piss.”

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Late-night library sessions
“Build a den in the corner of your floor using sturdy textbooks, a deconstructed desk and Sellotape. Smother the exterior with fresh droppings to ward off anybody coming over to ask how many words you’ve written so far. If you’re lucky, the library may have a Costa machine; but if not, there’s only one thing for it – get that zipper down and make yourself a coffwee. It’s like a coffee, but with wee in it.”

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Dealing with hangovers
“The key to beating any hangover is hydration. And what better way to hydrate than via your rectum? Head to the Peace Gardens and squat your backside over one of the water jets, wait a few moments and hey presto – you’ve got yourself a lovely, refreshing enema! That’ll blow the cobwebs off, for sure. Keep the headache from returning by drinking water, sugary drinks – and piss.”

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Bear Grylls: Endeavour comes to Sheffield Arena on Sunday 23rd October. Tickets and more info here

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