5 of the most hilarious hotel reviews

We reveal 5 of the most hilarious hotel reviews…

Given the always-intense competition between hotels in the world’s leading tourist cities, it goes without saying that none of them would do anything to risk upsetting their customers and attracting negative reviews on widely-read online platforms like TripAdvisor.

Well, that’s the theory, anyway. For every establishment that invests in a state-of-the-art hotel online booking system or a major room refurbishment programme, there is another one, somewhere, that is making an appalling fist of it… leaving the web’s hotel-staying wits ready to pounce with some acid prose.

Don’t just take our word for it – check out five of the hilarious hotel reviews that we came across on TripAdvisor.

  1. “Like a scene out of the Tottenham riots”

When TripAdvisor user ‘ozzygallagher’ and his friends turned up for a stag break at White Rose Hotel in Blackpool, “next to the number one bingo hall in Blackpool Las Vegas”, he didn’t expect the perks to stop there.

From the “wall of smell” that greeted the group as they stepped through the door to being “put in a room for four people which consisted of a bunk bed and a double… so it looks like me and me mate were spooning for the weekend”, things started badly and when downhill from there.

At least ‘ozzygallagher’ can claim that his stay ended on an exciting note, as the hotel owner “called some of his friends who chased us down with bats and sticks” in a scene reminiscent of “Zulu or the Tottenham riots.”

  1. “There was poo in the kettle…”

Still, at least fellow reviewer ‘Sconvey’ found something to like about their own stay at Bluebird Hotel in Newcastle upon Tyne, giving its location a three-star rating.

We do get the impression from the rest of their review, however, that their overall experience wasn’t an entirely positive one. Perhaps it’s the mention of “blood stained headboards that have clearly been up since the First World War”, the rude staff, non-closing windows, “actual poo in the kettle” or their declaration that they were “pretty sure I’m going to end up with some sort of rash/disease due to sanitation conditions similar to those of a homeless crack head.”

Their surprising summary was that “this place is a complete hole.”

  1. “Jerry Springer style family entertainment”

If that heading sounds promising, we’re sorry – it really isn’t. The north of England hasn’t fared well in our list so far, and matters don’t improve in this review of North Stafford Hotel in Stoke-on-Trent.

Stating that they had stayed there for an Alton Towers weekend, reviewer ‘DR0berts’ went on to describe a “completely ruined” weekend characterised by “an absolutely disgusting room”, subsequently swapped for a better room, albeit with “a hole in the window and a bathroom that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a borstal”.

They also had their sleep disturbed by noise from a fight in the room directly below them – namely between the bride and the groom at a nearby wedding. As the reviewer enlightened us: “The groom’s mother had to be pinned down by four police officers”.


  1. “Dubbed over hardcore Mexican porn on the TV”

Staunch defenders of northern England can breathe easy for this next one – it’s Stateside, providing plenty of evidence that awful hotels are far from a solely British specialism.

Declaring that “This place stinks on ice!”, a reviewer from Phoenix, Arizona adds of the Rumor Hotel on Las Vegas’ famous Strip that they were greeted by “a balloon of heroin sitting outside our room.” Nor was a sound sleep easy to achieve, given “the slamming of the gate on the pet run, the random drunks wandering down the halls, people coming to your door thinking it’s their hotel room…

“But on the upside, on channel 69 (nice touch Rumor!), there was dubbed over hardcore Mexican porn on the TV. Girlfriend wasn’t as absolutely fascinated by this as I was, because c’mon, dubbed over moans and groans are amazing, so that wasn’t a high point for her.”

  1. “A rat helped us eat our Hershey’s chocolates”

Still, you would expect most hotels in the good old Big Apple to be up to scratch… most, perhaps, except New York Inn, which ranked 438th of 469 NYC hotels on our visit to TripAdvisor.

We are frankly impressed that some local establishments have managed to rank below one where, according to reviewer ‘chantal377’ from Mossel Bay in South Africa, more than half of the rooms were “deemed not suitable for human accommodation by the city of NYC.”

Particularly memorable is the claim that “a rat helped us eat our Hershey’s chocolates. When we complained about our uninvited guest, the man at the desk simply said: ‘but it’s night, they come out at night.'” At least the reviewer did praise the hotel as being in “the best location in NYC”.

However, in fairness to these reviewed hotels, many guests are equally capable of providing a bit of unintentional comedy. Just take a look at what eviivo wrote about the top 10 strangest things that guests have left behind in their rooms.

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