RETRO REVIEW: Conan – The Mysteries of Time

CONAN! – doesn’t shouting that out loud just make you feel all manly inside? Me neither. This game makes me feel a little bit sad, actually.

You start the game in Hell – a perfect reflection of what you’ll be going through the more you play this horrendous mess. My main gripe are the controls and their sheer awkwardness – you press up to jump directly upwards, however you must press down to perform a jump that enables you to jump forward simultaneously. This is essential to jumping over platforms and such – what was wrong with just pressing A or B to jump followed by the D-pad to choose your desired direction?

The graphics, even for the time, are pretty bad and quite frankly, a little depressing, just like the game itself. Enemies look half decent in all fairness, so I’ll give you that Conan. I’ll give you that. There are numerous weapons to collect throughout your (most likely short lived) journey – that is, if you ever get past the first level. If not, you’re stuck with a simple sword and fireballs.


For some reason, the ground is filled with huge coffee beans.

Hoping the game would get better, I find myself disappointed – instead more awkward jumping and terrible platforming followed. Other levels include a bunch of platforms with extremely bland backgrounds, which do a great job of not immersing you in the game whatsoever.

To say Conan is a strong empowered kind of guy, this game made me feel the complete opposite. I should be mowing down enemies – instead I find myself dying constantly keep on seeing that familiar title screen. Maybe I’m just pants at the game – go play it and see if you’re any better. Or don’t – Conan (the NES game) is terrible.

Worth Playing Today: Wasn’t worth playing back then…
Available On: NES, and nothing but the NES
Released: 1991, NES
Rating: 1.5/10

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